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[dovate.com] » Sixth Borough Redux, Again - or why Philly needs to shut the hell up

Sixth Borough Redux, Again - or why Philly needs to shut the hell up

All right Philadelphia, listen.

Enough with this ‘sixth borough’ crap. Just shut up. The city is acting like that kid with no self-esteem who constantly reminds everyone just how much they hate that hot popular boy. If things keep going this way, Philly’s gonna end up getting knocked up behind Newark after it gets too drunk on the 4 th of July. By next winter we’ll have some bell shaped Lady Liberty with a nasty crack staring awkwardly at us from the middle of the Delaware River.

So get over it and shut up already. I’m sorry Philly, but there’s something I have to tell you. New York doesn’t care. They can’t even hear you pretending to be outraged. No one in New York even knows who Jessica Pressler is. People up there don’t have any idea this whole thing is going on down here. And if you don’t shut up now, you’re only going to look that much more desperate when they actually do catch wind of it. I see it now.

(It’s the Fourth of July. Characters are at a catered barbecue with full bar. At an appropriate distance, fireworks flicker, brightening the night sky with a dazzling array of color)

Philly: Yeah, we’ve been pretty angry about that whole Sixth Borough article.

New York: The what…?

Philly: The sixth borough… some Philly writer wrote this article for the NEW YORK TIMES, and said that Philadelphia was the sixth borough… Jessica, O’ it doesn’t matter. (nervous laughter) Isn’t that silly? (smiles sheepishly. While leaning closer to New York spills her Continental Martini on New York’s Armani jacket)

New York: (brushing off stray liquid and speaking with disinterest) Oh, that’s funny.

Philly: The whole thing was months ago now.

New York: (sensing desperation) You know, I really like Philadel…

Philly: Yeah, it’s like we’re not our own… like New Yor… like you… (trails off, awkwardly presses its breast against New York while leaning over bar to order another drink. New York looks around with a sly smile, checks watch and gives Philly a lecherous once over.)

In the background, New Jersey is being removed from the scene by two bouncers. Breaking free, Jersey says he can walk out on his own. Exits.

But anyway… I’ve run a couple of experiments in the last week. I asked a young New Yorker whether he’s heard of this whole Philadelphia as the Sixth Borough thing. He said no. Thinking that maybe I’d just stumbled across some alarmingly out of touch individual, I tested google’s cultural barometer with a search for “sixth borough.” How many hits I wondered, would be from actual New Yorkers discussing the Philadelphia phenomenon? Maybe I’d find a few message boards with helpful tips for emigrating Brooklynites… blog after New York blog devoted to Philadelphia… features in all the major papers, lockstep behind the Times … Here’s what I found:

First hit: The last sentence of the last post of a dying blog. The 6 month old message boasts 0 comments. A harbinger of things to come? Yes.

Second hit: Songs from the Sixth Borough, the Philly band compilation, (who’s highpoint btw melds Ween with the Action News theme).

Third hit: A link to a Times article about New York’s actual, though entirely fictional sixth borough. It begins, ahem…

Once upon a time, New York City had a Sixth Borough. You won’t read about it in any of the history books, because there’s nothing - save for the circumstantial evidence in Central Park - to prove that it was there at all…

The Sixth Borough was an island, separated from Manhattan by a thin body of water, whose narrowest crossing happened to equal the world’s long jump record, such that exactly one person on earth could go from Manhattan to the Sixth Borough without getting wet. A huge party was made of the yearly leap. Bagels were strung from island to island on special spaghetti, samosas were bowled at baguettes, Greek salads were thrown like confetti. The children of New York captured fireflies in glass jars, which they floated between the boroughs…

In case you may be confused… they’re not talking about Philly.

Fourth hit: Wait, you’ll love this one. The next link is a page titled: Jersey City, the sixth borough. Looks like we’ve got some stiff competition.

Fifth hit: Well, there’s another link to the other Sixth Borough Times article.

Sixth hit: Long Island… the sixth borough.

Seventh hit: DJ Big Bobby Blast and his album, the Sixth Borough, Volume 8.

Eighth hit: and hold it, holy shit! There it is! A New Yorker. (or probably some 22 year old jackass from Connecticut who moved to Washington Heights 3 months ago) But anyway, whoever he was, he lived in New York City and he took the time to very briefly mention, dismissively, the infamous article. Recut and paste in it’s entirety:

Jessica Pressler, who wrote the strange Philadelphia-is- the-sixth-borough piece in the Times last weekend, talks to the blog Philebirty today and, between admitting that the whole thing was just a PR gimmick for the city and dropping a few too many f-bombs, basically ensures she’ll never write for the Times again. Also, she manages to insult all Times -reading New Yorkers:

The sixth borough concept was a good way to introduce New Yorkers to what’s been happening in Philly. It’s kind of like when you give a dog a pill–you wrap it in something you know they like, such as cheese.

Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario? We are? We’re the dog?

Well, if so: Grrrr.

Then, apparently, New York lost interest. After that, there were 8 or so consecutive Philly media/blog hits. The article, “Miami Beach the sixth borough”, briefly broke into the mix, but Philly hits returned in force thereafter.