RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPiTER

Cleaning up this town

With the problems of a soaring murder rate, an overworked police force and witness intimidation/murder, this city is in dire need of answers. Fortunately I have the answer. This city needs Batman.

Now before you call me a tasteless asshole for even bringing up such a stupid idea, let me tell you that I’m fairly serious about this. Philadelphia needs a mentally questionable, incredibly wealthy, trained killer to dress up like a giant bat and dish out vigilante justice. Next time a witness is too scared to testify, take them to Batman. He’ll do what the police can’t. If you think about it for just a just a minute, you’ll realize what an amazing idea it is. 

Unfortunately, Batman is a fictional character.  That means Philly will need someone to make him real. Here’s my personal shortlist.

Pat Croce: He’s almost perfect. He’s got the money, he’s got the training and he’s batshit crazy… but does he have the seething homicidal rage? For a man who at one time wanted to run Comcast, I’d say there’s a distinct possibility.

AI: Why shouldn’t The Answer be the answer? With the Sixers ditching him and with his professed love for the city, a career change may be the best thing to keep Allen Iverson in town. Frequently spotted driving around ‘the ghetto’ in his Bentley, AI already knows the mean streets. His disrespect for authority makes him the vigilante type as it is. His athleticism may make him more of a Spiderman, but he could definitely pull off Batman. He’s got the capital and he’s got the street cred. This all combines to make AI a top contender.

That Ben Franklin Impersonator: Actually this guy fits more in to an evil villain role. Nevermind on that one.

Last and least, I was thinking that maybe Sylvester Stallone could do it in his spare time. Sure he’s a little old and he’d probably get his gray ass killed in a sixth borough minute, but what better superhero material than an aging Philly action star? Anyway, it couldn’t hurt while it lasted.

I’ve been busting my brain for a while now and I can’t think of any other Philly characters worthy or capable of becoming Batman. O’well, if anything else comes, I’ll be sure to let you all know.