RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPiTER

I Yact

It’s time for another trip through the archives. Actually this may be an archive week. But that’s just fine. Grammatical errors aside, my writing used to be funnier. Today’s installment, my review of a 34′ yact I once owned… or pretended to own. For some reason it was the epinions review that earned me the most $. Before I was banned from the site, this little beauty brought in a cool $13.32.

Boston Whaler 34′ Defiance

I was thinking about things the other day and came to a conclusion. I’ve always had some distaste towards hunting. Then I thought, what’s wrong with me? I eat meat. In fact I eat it pretty often. Isn’t it better to eat something you actually slaughter yourself?

I don’t want someone else killing my food for me. The closer I am to the death of my food, the better. I vowed to never again eat store bought meats. If you can’t kill it yourself, you shouldn’t be eating it.

I had never killed a large animal before. In fact I had never even hunted. Once I went fishing, but I had no luck. I’ve always had an aversion to guns. Hunting would require that I purchase one. But lo and behold, all these restrictive gun laws made it impossible for me to purchase a gun. It seems that some liberal made it illegal for a convicted felon with a history of severe mental instability to buy an assault rifle. I’m on parole, I’ve paid my debt and am now quite stable. What the fuck do they want?

After some soul searching, I decided that fishing was my best bet. But how was I going to catch enough to last me through the long winter months? I don’t have a lot of time either, I can’t be out fishing 2 or 3 days a week. What was I to do? I had been planning on killing a medium size U-Haul full of deer in 1 or 2 outings and eating that for a while, but this option was short on feasibility. Then it came to me. Whales.

That very moment I went to my local yacht retailer and plunked down $750,000 for the “Boston Whaler 34′ Defiance.” I named it Tom Selek, smacked it with a bottle of champagne and off I went. The Boston Whaler 34′ Defiance is a fine boat. The cabin ceiling, at 6′4′’ is more than accommodating to the average size man. Everything is state of the art. Digital readouts everywhere. I was about 17 miles off shore when I saw a whale spouting off at 3 o’clock. Setting my boat on a collision course with the hideous beast I pushed the 450 horsepower engine to the max. The Boston Whaler 34′ Defiance is advertised as ‘unsinkable.’ I had no fear. Unfortunately I had no harpoons either. I fashioned one makeshift from the 13′3′’ beam. Attaching the beam to some rope that didn’t seem to be doing anything important, I practiced swinging the thing around my head. It swung pretty good.

Then I saw the mighty beast blow again. It’s sea-filth sprayed high into the afternoon sky. This time my estimates put it at 40′ off my port bow. I slowed the Boston Whaler 34′ Defiance to an idle. “The quiet power of twin inboards, made even quieter by a unique and innovative exhaust system,” was like a dream come true. Suddenly the barbarous sea-hag surfaced along side the boat. I screamed and plunged the harpoon into its turgid blubber. Quickly I fastened the other end of the device to the satellite TV antennae.

The mighty whale responded by tearing the hull in two, breaking free from the harpoon and easily overturning my Boston Whaler 34′ Defiance. I was spilled into the bitter Atlantic. Boy was my face red. As I floated in the sea waiting to be rescued, I decided to become a vegetarian. Some dolphins came by. You always read about how beautiful they are, how deeply spiritual they are etc, etc. When I saw them, the poked me around for a while, bit me, and swam off on their tails. Just like you see them doing at seaworld. They were not friendly at all. Fuck dolphins. I managed to pop one in the eye before they swam off.

Eventually I was rescued. It seems that somehow I violated so many laws on my little excursion that I ended up breaking the terms of my parole. It was back to jail for a few days until I posted bail.

The boat was great, it’s a shame it sank. I am working on a lawsuit, it really did advertise as unsinkable. Here see for yourself. I quote:

“All of it, and you, protected by Whaler’s unsinkable foam core construction.”

http://www.whaler.com/2000Product/Model.asp?ModID=13

Liars.