RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPiTER

From the archives: V.D. edition

That stands for Valentines Day of course. But anyway, this is quite possibly the darkest bit of satire I’ve ever written. Enjoy:

Martha Stewart and her darling little fetuses
Originally written in 2001

EAST HAMPTON, LONG ISLAND - Martha Stewart, the one woman empire of decorative arts and crafts, can find a charming use for any little thing. When bags of decomposing human fetuses began washing up on the shores of her upscale Long Island community, many of the well-to-do residents of the Hamptons were up in arms. But not Martha. Instead, she’s taken up the tiny human bodies and transformed the bloated, slimy carcasses into darling little ornaments. Where most see bits of decaying matter, Martha Stewart sees opportunity.

“Just look at this little guy right here.” Stewart told New World Examiner reporter Stan Buford in an exclusive interview. Holding up a pristinely preserved, chalk white skeleton of a 4 month old human fetus Martha continued. “With a little bit of care, I turned what was a parasite filled, beached fetus, into this gorgeous little baby doll. Now what little girl wouldn’t want one of these skeletons in her closet?” Stewart joked. “Look how delicate their tiny little bones are.”

Every morning, Stewart heads down to the beach with her 2 dogs, sometimes before 5 AM, to gather what bio-matter may have washed up during the night. “I have to beat the gulls in the mornings. If the seagulls get these little treasures before me, it’s quite hard to put them all back together.”

The discarded fetuses are brought to Long Island every year during Hurricane season. Favorable currents bring them from as far as Central and South America. On one morning, Stewart donned pearl white latex gloves and a New England slicker. Tossing aside coat hangers and other debris, she scoured the shoreline for “treasure.”

“These things are pure gold.” Spoke Stewart as she claimed a bag from a swarm of egg-laying horseflies. “I’m in the process of working a marketing and distribution deal with K-Mart for my little ornaments. Do you know how many fetuses are simply discarded in this country every year? Millions of dollars worth.” She stated with a playful glint in her steel blue eyes. “Don’t you just love the beach in the morning? Smell that air.”

When the collecting stage is complete, it’s back to Martha’s kitchen, where the true magic takes place. “This is where I turn the hideous little things into the ornaments that will someday adorn every American mantle.”

Lowering the fetuses with the help of a metal strainer one by one into an iron cauldron filled with hydrochloric acid, Stewart can’t help but let a warm smile melt her usually serious demeanor into a gentle, motherly expression. The acid makes quick work of most of the remaining flesh. Stewart then scrubs the lingering bits off with the aid of a child’s toothbrush. “It’s really easy work, with a little care and consideration.” Stewart notes.

Finishing touches are added last as the tiny skeletons are affixed to cherry wood podiums and set up in darling poses. “And viola. The finished product.”

The Hamptons Citizens Community Affairs Bureau has not been so warm to the wayward fetal matter. “I think it’s disgusting.” Notes actor and Hamptons resident Charlie Sheen. “But at least Martha is doing something productive with another’s waste.”

In a reflective moment over tea and water crackers later in the day, Stewart considers the fetal project. “It’s ironic really. Most of these little jewels come from places where abortion has been criminalized. That’s why they end up in the ocean and eventually to me. If abortion is ever banned here, all the worlds’ beaches will be covered with these little guys. A literal goldmine.” Martha says with a smile.