RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPiTER

Hell

Occasionally I repost phony product reviews from my brief ‘career’ over at epinions.com. One day while toiling away at work, I wrote this review of:

Home > Hotels & Travel > Destinations > “Hell”

Yes, Hell is a real place. I think it’s in the Caribbean. Here’s my December, 2000 review:

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I was just a small boy when my stepfather first told me I was going to hell.

“Liberator.” he would say, “You’re nothing but low life scum and if you don’t finish your damn mac and cheese, I’m sending you to hell 60 years early.”

Hell.

I found myself in hell after a brief stint up in heaven. I don’t know how I got there, the last memory I have I was trying to get a bagel out of my toaster with a butter knife. I guess I forgot to unplug it.

The next thing I knew, there I was. Just like in the Family Circus, heaven was a big place full magnificent light and beautiful androgynous beings. It all reminded me very much of the Velvet Underground. But there was something more to it. There was an ever present feeling of overpowering love. A feeling entirely absent from The Velvet Underground and Lou Reed overall. Up in heaven love had form. It had shape and texture. I supposed this was God. Being in heaven was the most spiritual experience I’ve ever had.

And then.

The feeling drained from my body like sand from an hour glass. My strength and understanding fell away as I was transported through a draining of consciousness into some other place of being. There was no sense of falling, there was no sense of movement at all. The change and the shift in perceived time and space seemed to come entirely from within. As love abandoned, my perception changed accordingly. I floated motionless as the world fell away. Ether and essence ceased to be. There was no pain. There was no feeling at all. I just floated, waiting to be thrown into the fiery pits of legend. But it didn’t happen. I prayed to God, begging for forgiveness and for readmittnance into his realm, but my thoughts were dead in nothing.

Without the aid of perception as there was nothing to perceive, I have been here now for what may be an eternity. My consciousness is all that remains. It lives here somewhere, blind, deaf and mute. No one and nothing is here. There is no love, there is no pain, no grand ideal, no emotion at all. No feeling at all. I can only think… I can only think. I’ve relived my life a million times. I’ve recounted every moment. I can do it a million times in what seems like a second. But as many times as I do it, I can never feel it. I can never feel in the memory of it. I can never understand it. I know I should, and I think that I can, But I can’t. I just can’t.

I’ve wondered where my thoughts go. Do they exist at all? I asked the same question on earth, but now I know the answer. On earth there was a purpose. There was a reason for thought and my thoughts were alive there. Thought was transcendent on earth. It lived in it’s own space. Now that I’m dead, I know this. That every thought I had on earth existed elsewhere, but it always tied into my life and myself. Why or how I ended up here I don’t know. I’ve thought of it forever, but just can’t understand. There’s nothing here to understand. Just words and dead thought.

What world do my thoughts end up in? Do they go anywhere from here? Can someone hear my thoughts now? Why am I here? Where are my thoughts now?