RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPiTER

Whole Foods promotes racial agenda

I’ve decided that I should bring a more serious dialogue to this website. Today I’ll level damning accusations at Whole Foods, accusing them of being a racist organization that promotes a fierce white supremacist ideology. My evidence?

Yesterday after work I stopped by the Fairmount Whole Foods to pick up a few items for my high fat, dairy and fiber rich, evil liberal diet. Things like plain kefir, organic milk, French and British cheeses and dry black beans.* But with winter approaching, there was one other purchase I wanted to make: Cream of Wheat cereal.

I expected Whole Foods to offer some alternative brand of wheat cereal… something in a brown box made with organic wheat on some ecologically sustainable farm in Wisconsin, but to my surprise, they only offered that in Buckwheat. The only regular wheat option was Farina.

Farina is advertised with the image of a smiling Aryan child, while the Cream of Wheat model was Caribbean born immigrant of African descent: Frank White. Why wouldn’t Whole Foods offer wheat cereals with a diversity of offensive racial stereotypes? Why the smiling Hitler youth and not the benevolent servant? Shocked and outraged, I bought Farina.

I had some this morning. It was pretty good and tasted exactly like Cream of Wheat. That’s all for now.

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* Just in case you’re confused where the line between truth and satire begins, these were my actual purchases.