RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPiTER

foodstuffs…

Aside from the crime and the deep rooted inferiority complex, there are 3 huge problems with Philadelphia. I’m sorry if this list feeds into that inferiority complex, but these are 3 simple things that New York happens to do well that Philly just doesn’t seem to understand.

1. Pizza: What the fuck? We’re less than 100 miles away from the best pizza outside of Naples, so why is it so god damn hard to get a good slice in Philadelphia? You can’t get a bad slice in New York and New Jersey. You’re lucky if you find mediocre pizza at 90% of the places here. While that means that 10% of our pizza is actually passable or even excellent, that 10% is only a tiny slice of the pie. (haha) That every bad pizza place isn’t swiftly and decisively driven out of business by the fact that their pizza is horrible, reflects very poorly on our civic character. Being so close to NY & NJ, we have no excuse.

2. Falafel: Again. Same exact story as pizza, only the field of players is a whole lot smaller. Every time a new falafel place opens, I get excited… until I try it. Disappointments, all of them. I’m talking Israeli style pocket pita falafel with a little salad bar, not roll up Lebanese/Syrian or whatever style. The options are few and decent, but all far from excellent.

For roll up style, there are a couple of standouts. In a class by itself is that batshit crazy guy at 20th and Market. Delicious. Unparalleled. Outstanding. Also good is the truck at 38th and Walnut in the shadow of the Wharton Death Star. There are a few other places worth mentioning, but with the exception of 20th and Market guy, nothing is really that good.

3. Bagels: I have never, ever had anything close to a good bagel in Philadelphia. If someone out there could swing a daily delivery fresh from Brooklyn, or god forbid learn how to make a decent bagel in Philly, they’d make a killing. The hole in the market is… nevermind, one bad pun is already one too many.

But anyway, the bagels here are an embarrassment. Every option is just a bunch of common bread unfit for smoked salmon or whitefish.

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In closing, if Philly could pull these 3 things together… I guess I’d just be slightly happier, but in the end it wouldn’t affect me all that much. All in all, well yeah… nevermind.