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Nutter’s Positions Concern Rights Groups

PHILADELPHIA - Coupled with his contentious stop-and-frisk policy, Michael Nutter’s appointment of controversial Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey has already raised alarm bells among local Civil Rights groups. Organizations such as the ACLU have questioned the constitutionality of Nutter’s anti-crime tactics and have also raised concerns about Ramsey’s record as Police Commissioner in Washington D.C. This morning’s press conference - in which Nutter endorsed reclassification of street crime as urban terrorism - has turned the hot button issue into a three alarm fire.

“These people are terrorizing our communities and should be treated as such. They are terrorists.” Nutter stated.

The new wording will have significant implications for the legal rights of accused criminals. “The reclassification goes far deeper than semantics,” noted Temple University criminologist Harriet Cole. “The accused will no longer enjoy the legal rights guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States.”

“Water Boarding? Next person that takes a shot at a cop, I’ll water board them myself.” Nutter responded angrily to a flustered Rene Chenault-Fattah. “Tell your husband to repeal the Patriot Act and then I’ll talk to you about this.”

In addition to the verbal assaults from the next mayor, local news stations have accused Nutter of trying to shut them down.

“We must declare a state of emergency in Philadelphia. I said that in my campaign and I meant it. Now this isn’t Pakistan and I can’t force local news to stop broadcasting. I can however give Comcast an additional 10-year tax abatement on that new tower if they agree to stop running local news.” Nutter said with a smile and a wink.

Late yesterday Comcast announced that ABC, NBC, CBS and FOX will begin airing the City Hall channel during time slots previously reserved for local news. “There is absolutely no connection to the Mayor’s office,” stated a press release from Comcast Corp.

The Mayor-elect is also reportedly working with Greyhound on a rendition program for accused terrorists. “He’s had conversations with Greyhound executives” reported political watchdog Chuck at the popular blog Phillyistheshit.org. “He’s planning on bussing these people to states where torture is already legal, like New Jersey and Delaware. He knows full well what will happen to them in a Wilmington prison.”

While Nutter’s tactics have been enormously popular among the majority of posters at the phillyblog messageboard, some voiced reservations. “This isn’t the mayor I thought I was voting for” posted BaltimoreAve48.

Nutter seemed unfazed by critics, ending his press conference with a reference to another controversial mayor, “I’m gonna make Frank Rizzo look like a faggot.”