RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPiTER

makes conventional bathrooms a thing of the past

Every once in a while I resurrect one of my phony product reviews from the website epinions.com. From 1999-2001 during slow time at my job in an animal ER, I used to write things like this review for a strap on catheter:

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How my life has changed since I discovered the Netti One-Leg Stocking. This nifty little device makes conventional toilets obsolete. I’m not incontinent, but what’s it matter with convenience like this? The Netti One-leg Stocking is the bathroom you strap to your leg. Anytime, anywhere, there it is.

I know you’re skeptical. You’re probably reading this and thinking, is this guy for real? I must admit that when I first came across this product, I had the same objections to the whole concept of peeing into your leg that you’re probably having right now. But you need only to cross a small mental barrier in order to see the light.

The beauty of it is that you aren’t really peeing on yourself. In fact, the urine never touches you. The product is clean, easy to assemble and cheap. The practice of using only a conventional restroom is an entirely culturally based construct, and if I might add, just a little bit snobbish. If you break the hegemonic relationship between yourself and your bathroom like I have with the Netti One-leg Stocking, imagine the quality of life you will gain.

In the car, at the movies, everyplace you have wished you could urinate at will, you can! And I won’t lie, there’s a certain satisfaction gained in peeing comfortably while interacting in otherwise normal circumstances. Just the other day, I was urinating while I asked out an attractive young woman. You can’t even come close to imagining the added sense ease and comfort brought on by the relief of a good urination in such a situation. The same holds true for job interviews, uncomfortable holiday get togethers and pretty much any other high stress situation. The Netti One-Leg Stocking is a therapeutic device as much as anything.

The other day my boss was coming down on me hard for not getting a proposal in on time. Instead of fumbling for words, like I used to do, I smiled narrowly, initiated a steady flow of urine and calmly explained exactly why I was unable to meet the deadline. He appreciated my frank demeanor so much, he gave me a promotion! When I heard about the promotion, I peed ecstatically.

(And by the way, the date with that attractive young woman went so well that I had to exchange the urinary condom that I regularly wear, for… well, you know.)

Think of it.

The Netti One-Leg Stocking has given me comfort, time and increased my productivity. It saved my job and even granted me a promotion. Because of it, I have a steady girlfriend and am on the whole a much calmer person. The Netti One-Leg Stocking has paid for itself in more ways than I can list. This thing is just great. I can’t say that enough. In fact I love it so much… I’m peeing right now. Aah, sweet satisfaction.