RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPiTER

Helpful Driving Tips

Work demands my time, so once again it’s time to dig deep into the archives and pull out something sweet. Here is a short list of helpful driving tips I originally put together in September 2000.

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Driving in the city teaches you a lot about human nature. Just a few hours on the road can turn an introverted, geeky little bookworm into a snarling, profanity spewing madman. To keep your calm on the big city streets, there are a few helpful hints to remember:

1. If you find yourself stuck in traffic, honk your horn repeatedly. This will encourage the gridlock to break up and traffic to begin flowing again.

2. If someone cuts you off, pull up next to them and flash a gun. This will make them think twice before cutting you off again. If you don’t have a gun, tousle your hair and gesture like you do have one, and mouth the word “pow” several times. This usually works just about as well.

3. If you’re caught in traffic on a large, multi lane road make use of the shoulder. No one ever uses the shoulder. Usually you can stream right by all those other saps at about 60 mph.

4. Similarly, if you miss a yellow light and are forced to drive through a red one, turn on your high beams and honk your horn to alert other drivers.

5. If you are pulled over, do not be polite to the officer. Police don’t like being sucked up to and would usually prefer a physical confrontation. Their jobs are mostly paperwork; every cop likes getting the blood going a little bit. If you are pulled over, leap from the car before it comes to a complete stop and start running for the cruiser screaming like lunatic. You’ll both appreciate the excitement.

6. If someone on the road really gets under your skin, put on a pair of sunglasses and follow them around for a while.

7. If you are male and you encounter someone you think is hot do all of the above, but exchange all violent and/or lude gestures with sexual innuendo. Romantic pursuits via car to car flirtation, are often successful. Using all of the listed techniques will prove to the female that you are a masculine creature capable of pleasing her in every way. Shout sweet nothings into her window at red lights to increase probability of copulation.

Well, you get the idea. These are just a few helpful hints that will aid you in your travels. I hope they work for you as they have worked for me.