RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPiTER

Aliens Not Welcome in New Jersey

I’m pushing on with week of the unexplained here with one of my favorite topics: UFO’s. I believe that the alien visitation stories found on the internet represent the source texts of a future class of religions.

Already, people have started to hammer together Christian creation stories, Buddhist and Hindu ideas on pantheism and reincarnation and mix it up with a little quantum theory pop-science and a dash of psychotropic inspired pattern recognition and present it is an ideological belief system. In a century or so, I guarantee that there will be open churches. (and not just cults like the Raelians and the Scientologists)

But anyway, my favorite UFO story has nothing to do with any of this. My favorite story is about the poor dumb alien that had the misfortune of landing in New Jersey. Every new religion needs a little absurdity. Here’s a dramatic retelling of the actual events.

It was the blackest dead of night in January, 1978 and the New Jersey State Police were in hot pursuit of a UFO. Sirens blazing, they ordered the alien craft to land, but the vehicle refused to comply.

The UFO was first spotted hovering near Fort Dix and the adjacent McGuire Air Force base. Having lost track of the target somewhere near McGuire, the pursuit was handed over to United States Armed Forces.

A Military Policeman cornered the object at the end of an airstrip. Stepping out of his car, he squinted into the pre-dawn NJ darkness. It was January 18th, the dead of winter, and the height of the Cold War. The air was still and except for the idle of the MP’s jeep, perfectly silent. Stepping carefully forward, he unclipped his holster, and placed his hand on his .45 semiautomatic. Suddenly, through his frozen breath he spotted a child-size form just a few meters in front of him. Apparently assuming it wasn’t a wayward toddler, he opened fire, hitting the being 5 times.

The alien, shocked and mortally wounded, mustered enough strength to turn from the gunfire and stagger towards the perimeter fence, before collapsing – dead.

A smell of ammonia hung in the air… which to me says that aliens either bleed ammonia or are physically capable of pissing themselves.

Apparently after this all happened, the alien body was whisked away to somewhere secret and examined by government doctors. Fortunately the aliens did not respond by coming down hard on New Jersey. Apparently when push comes to shove, aliens are just a bunch of bitches that piss themselves.

That’s all for now.