RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPiTER

After consulting my hazy memory, I think that my last 2 week vacation was in September 1997. I flew out to Oregon and stayed in a small trailer behind an overcrowded shack of a house in Eugene. There were dogs and drug dealers and guns and crystal meth and the Eagles played nationally on Monday night, so I didn’t miss the game. I also took the train, discovered Circle K and decided that Portland is completely overrated.

It’s possible that a couple vacations since have stretched on that long, but I don’t really remember. Did I spend 2 weeks in New Hampshire? I don’t know. I was in Paris for a week and a half a few years ago. I remember that. And come to think of it I spent 3 weeks across the Atlantic in 2002. But anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah. See you in a couple of weeks. Until then, please try to conceive 1 additional dimension each day:

There’s a problem with people. Some of them are violent criminals. This makes doing things like flashing cash on the street stupid. Doing this can attract the attention of the rif raff. It’s like taking a sandwich out near a flock of seagulls.

Camera bags don’t necessarily have a problem, but they do generally advertise themselves. This makes walking around with a camera bag equivalent to flashing cash. A lot of cash. Like thousands of dollars.

That’s why I bought this ordinary hipster-looking messenger bag that doubles as a damn fine camera bag. I plan to test it out on the mean streets of Montreal early next week.

Special note here. I got this bag for $100 at Webbcam LLC, that weird little camera store near 12th and Vine. Even the Crumpler website sells the same bag for $130. How they do it, I don’t know. Maybe they’ve gt a deal with the longshoremen or something.

When I was a kid, my favorite beer was Crazy Horse. Named for the Oglala Sioux Warrior, the malt liquor beverage went down as smooth and easy as the 7th Calvary at Little Bighorn. I’d buy my 40oz bottles a little way down the Avenue, where poor minorities lived, and the people behind the bullet proof glass didn’t give a shit about how old you happened to be. God bless America.

But anyway, a recent trip to ratebeer.com revealed that at some point in the last 10 years Crazy Horse changed it’s name to “Crazy Stallion.” It also earns an overall score of 2 out of 5, or surprisingly high in the 40oz malt liquor category. One reviewer notes:

Golden color, watered down looking amber. Aroma of a new box of band-aids. Flavor kicked the gag-reflex in… Finishes sweet on the palate. It appears to be a real beer… Flavor could be more balanced.

But back to the name, I’m sure the change was the result of some bleeding heart, P.C. liberal, America-hating campaign that thought that just because alcoholism affects 8 in 10 Lakota families, the poverty rate is 97%, unemployment is 85%, life expectancy is lower than any sovereign nation (excluding all those HIV/AIDS ravaged countries) and more than half the population battles drug addiction or disease (source) it wasn’t “appropriate.” The result? Today’s teenagers and other aficionados of malt liquor, or “liquid crack” are forced to buy Crazy Stallion brand beer.

But anyway, what was my point? O’yeah. The beer changed it’s name and logo. The same can’t be done for this:

If you thought putting a humble Quaker on top of Philly’s City Hall was bad, then carving an entire mountain (about the same height as, and a hell of a lot more massive than City Hall) in the form of a warrior who was reluctant to be photographed… and buried anonymously… on land held sacred to that man… by the descendants people who forcibly removed him from it… at the objection of the descendants of those removed… is a whole lot worse.

But shit, carving a mountain is ambitious. One warning though. If you put any credence in the “Curse of Billy Penn” you can expect the “Curse of Crazy Horse” to cause the Supervolcano also known as northwest Wyoming to erupt just around the time of this sculpture’s completion. Consider yourself warned.

There’s a badly kept secret that I’m amazed more people don’t take advantage of. Even though it feels like a scam, it’s not. It’s completely legit. What is it?

In just over 5 years, I was able to earn a Penn degree for $0.00. At the time, that was a savings of $140,000 or 100%. There were no loans, financial aid or scholarships. The classes I took were the same ones other Penn students took. The requirements were the same. The professors were the same. The work was the same and the degree I earned was the same. The only difference was that I didn’t pay.

A little over 10 years ago, I was a year out of high school and applying for jobs at the University of Pennsylvania. By September, 1998 I got a part-time position in the animal ER at the Penn Vet clinic. By October I was offered a full-time job.

I applied for classes (a formality for employees) and started my college career in January 1999. I worked full-time at Penn to earn tuition benefits and took 2 free classes per semester. By working in a 24/7 ER, my schedule was flexible enough to take both day and evening classes. Including May-July summer sessions I finished up all my coursework by August 2004.

I wasn’t an Ivy League achiever in high school. I wasn’t a bad student, but I was a long way from Penn’s level of academic excellence. There was also no way in hell I could have afforded Penn even if I did get in. But as an employee, they gave me a shot. I worked hard, managed my time well and earned a diploma. And this concludes today’s public service accouncement. Thank you and Goodbye!!

But seriously… would Cryptomundo.com lie? Here’s the press release:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
August 12, 2008
BIGFOOT BODY FOUND
DNA evidence and photo evidence to be presented at a
PRESS CONFERENCE
to be held on
Date: Friday, August 15, 2008
Time: From 12Noon-1:00pm
Place: Cabana Hotel-Palo Alto (A Crown Plaza Resort) 4290 El Camino Real, Palo Alto, California 94306

Searching for Bigfoot, Inc. Menlo Park, California
Tom Biscardi, CEO

BIGFOOT BODY FOUND - EVIDENCE AND DNA DETAILS TO BE PRESENTED AT A PRESS CONFERENCE ON FRIDAY, AUGUST 15th

FROM 12 N00N TO 1:00PM AT THE CABANA HOTEL-PALO ALTO IN PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA

A body that may very well be the body of the creature commonly known as “Bigfoot” has been found in the woods in northern Georgia.

DNA evidence and photo evidence of the creature will be presented in a press conference on Friday, August 15th from 12 Noon to 1:00pm at the Cabana Hotel-Palo Alto at 4290 El Camino Real in Palo Alto, California, 94306. The press conference will not be open to the public. It will only be open to credentialed members of the press.
Here are some of the vital statistics on the “Bigfoot” body:

*The creature is seven feet seven inches tall.
*It weighs over five hundred pounds.
*The creature looks like it is part human and part ape-like.
*It is male.
*It has reddish hair and blackish-grey eyes.
*It has two arms and two legs, and five fingers on each hand and
five toes on each foot.
*The feet are flat and similar to human feet.
*Its footprint is sixteen and three-quarters inches long and five and three-quarters inches wide at the heel.
*From the palm of the hand to the tip of the middle finger, its hands are
eleven and three-quarters inches long and six and one-quarter inches wide.
*The creatures walk upright. (Several of them were sighted on the same day that the body was found.)
*The teeth are more human-like than ape-like.
*DNA tests are currently being done and the current DNA and photo evidence will be presented at the press conference on Friday, August 15th.

The creature was found by Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer (residents of Georgia) in the woods in northern Georgia. (The exact location is being kept secret to protect the creatures.)

Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer will be flying in from Georgia to be at the press conference. Also present at the press conference will be Tom Biscardi, CEO of Searching for Bigfoot, Inc.

Whitton is a Clayton County, Georgia, police officer, who is currently on administrative leave after being wounded in the course of duty pursuing an alleged felon. Dyer is a former correctional officer. Whitton and Dyer are co-owners of bigfoottracker.com and Bigfoot Global LLC., a company that offers Bigfoot expeditions. Whitton and Dyer are working with Bigfoot hunter, Tom Biscardi, and Biscardi’s Searching for Bigfoot, Inc., to present and conduct the scientific study of the evidence and information on this body.

A few weeks ago, Whitton and Dyer announced the finding of the body on the “Squatch Detective” radio show, an internet based radio show hosted by Steve Kulls. While on that show, the commentator asked Rick Dyer “Would you allow one of our people to come down and verify the body?” Dyer replied, “The only person we would allow to come down and verify the body was ‘the real Bigfoot Hunter,’ Tom Biscardi.” The next day, the producer of the Squatch Detective show contacted Biscardi with pertinent information on how to contact Dyer and Whitton.

Extensive scientific studies will be done on the body by a team of scientists including a molecular biologist, an anthropologist, a paleontologist and other scientists over the next few months at an undisclosed location. The studies will be carefully documented and the findings will be released to the world, according to Biscardi.

Biscardi is known as “the real Bigfoot Hunter” because of his extensive investigations out in the field. He has been searching for Bigfoot since 1971 and over the past several years, he has been criss-crossing the United States and Canada tracking down the hottest leads on Bigfoot sightings.

Videography on the studies will be done under the supervision of Scott Davis, an independent producer and owner of TV Biz Productions in Phoenix, Arizona.

Currently, Tom Biscardi and his Searching for Bigfoot Team, in conjunction with Bigfoot Global LLC., are preparing to capture another of these creatures alive. That expedition will start very soon. The dates and the locations are being kept confidential.

The body that is currently being studied is being referred to as the “RICKMAT” creature, a name derived from the names of Rick Dyer and Matthew Whitton. [Cryptozoologist Loren Coleman recommends the term “Georgia Gorilla” be used to remove any taint of ego from the discovery, and so the general public, media, and science will have a comfortable moniker until a formal zoological name may be bestowed.]

Last year, a film that Biscardi produced about his investigations, called “Bigfoot Lives,” won first place in the Documentary category at the Pocono Mountains Film Festival. Biscardi also hosts a Bigfoot oriented internet radio show that can be heard on Wednesday nights from 7:00pm to 8:00pm PDT at www.bigfootliveradioshow.com. The show is heard in over thirty countries.

Searching for Bigfoot, Inc. has exclusive rights to all publishing rights, photo rights, television and film rights, production and distribution rights and other commercial opportunities related to the discovery and findings regarding this body and these creatures.

Interested parties may contact Searching for Bigfoot, Inc., in writing, at their mailing address, 1134 Crane St., Suite 216, Menlo Park, California 94025.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been reacquainted with my old friend, Rittenhouse Square. I could go on here about how much time I’ve spent in the park in the last 15 years, or recount all the strange things I’ve seen, done and seen done there. Maybe someday I’ll write out all those stories. Not today. Today I’ll list 3 things I saw in Rittenhouse since yesterday afternoon. They’re nothing spectacular, but they’re exactly why I’m perfectly content to sit there for hours.

1. A pigeon landing on a man’s head. He wasn’t feeding the birds, he was just sitting there minding his own business. It must have thought that he was a statue.

2. An 8 or 9 year-old boy standing in the middle of one of the fields, hands on hips, pants around ankles, peeing freely into the evening air. He waved to onlookers.

3. A young, pretty woman pulling a 6-inch fat wad of bills from her pocket. They were all ones and they were all kind of crusty looking. It took a few seconds for me to realize where they came from.

Recently, a popular local bar got in trouble for serving lion. Citizens rose up to protest that a farm raised version of the remorseless, man-eating predator was on the menu. This confuses me. Cows, pigs, lambs, chickens, buffalo… none of these threaten humans, but we serve them regularly to minimal civic uproar. Shouldn’t we protest the eating the innocent, grazing animals more than predators? Even among culinary predators, no one protests serving shark, or alligator, or even bear. What’s the problem with lion? A lion would eat you, why wouldn’t you eat it?

But anyway, not long ago someone said to me that there’s no morality at the edge of oblivion. The argument is that if there’s a life after this one, it sure as hell isn’t dictated by human ideas of reward and punishment. There’s no heaven and no hell. If there is a life after this one, it’s not composed of eternal bliss or eternal suffering. Morality is for the here and now. It helps us live together peacefully. It keeps us from disintegrating too rapidly.

With that said, what I’m about to post is wrong. The photos below were created by a terrorist. Whoever made them acted with a malicious sense of humor and without regard to all that is decent. But the photos also offer a clear window into a world that few of us will ever see. They offer a unique perspective into a unique event. I forget where I found these photographs, or why I saved them to my hard drive. All I know is that I recently re-found them and decided to bring them back to the internet.

They’re event photos from what appear to be a Special Olympic tournament. I remember pulling them out of some random directory. The shots themselves are very good and in their own way, beautiful.

This grand introduction is just my way of apologizing for knowing that if given the same opportunities with my eye through the viewfinder, I too would have hit the shutter. Sorry:

—

—

It started with an email.

She’d been on a downward spiral for months, breaking down in front of me and everyone around her just about every day. You didn’t know what the situation would be at any given time. It had gotten to the point where “R” could no longer perform basic functions.

I was frustrated and felt trapped. I’m a good person, but my eyes were starting to wander. I wanted out, but I didn’t know how to do it. There was difficulty in ending it. There was a lease. There were logistical problems. Where would she go? What would people think? It was actually my boss who recommended that I send the email.

“It’s not impossible to get out of this.” He said. “See what your options are.” He spoke to me like a man who knew where I stood. His confidence gave me permission – at least in my own mind – to send that email to “C.” So I did.

By the end of the day I had a response. I wasn’t expecting anything to happen so quickly, but later that week week I found myself going to meet her. I was nervous. She lived downtown on the 52nd floor of a gleaming skyscraper. I had my photo taken and was given a nametag which granted me access to the upper floors. It felt so official, so real. I wondered if I was in over my head, or if I was making a terrible mistake.

My ears popped on the ride up. When I stepped off the elevator and looked down the hall I suddenly felt underdressed. I ducked into a bathroom near the elevator to wash my hands. I took a few deep breaths and reassured myself that I was only there to look.

When I got to her door I was blown away. It was more a showroom than a home. I’m a sucker for good views and this place was on the second to top floor of the second tallest building in the city. The walls were covered in glass and the view was spectacular. I saw C sitting silently against a northern window. Behind her the city sparkled. As I walked towards her, I wondered what the place was like in the rain.

She was colorful, vibrant and sophisticated. I should also say that in my few minutes with her that afternoon she performed like a pro. She did things that R would never do. Things that she could never do. As I stood there looking out over the city, back towards the place where R sat immobile, feeble and useless, I knew what I had to do. I needed out.

C took care of that too. A few weeks after my visit, some union guys that C contracted with and I paid for showed up at my door and dragged R down the stairs. She had no idea what was happening. They carried her out the front door and put her in the back of a truck. That’s the last I saw of her and it’s the last I ever want to see of her. I heard they took her to a warehouse somewhere in the far Northeast. It’s a Russian neighborhood. They told me they wouldn’t hurt her. They told me they’d take care of her. I hope they’re right. I just gave them their money. I’ve washed my hands of it.

Later that day, C moved in. A few weeks after that, one of her associates - a nice smelling Cuban man named Alberto – came over to show us what she could do. One after another we stood around her as he showed us where and how to touch her and what buttons to push to get her to perform like only she can.

As copiers go, C, or the Canon IRC 5185, clearly outperforms the old Ricoh piece of crap that we used to use at the office. The End.

First a little explanation. Yesterday I was taking photos at one of the “Night Out” events here in Philly. It was a block party at the rec center in South Philly. There were all sorts of events, including a dance contest.

When you take 6-700 photos at an event, some of them will be good. Some of them will also be accidentally funny. I’ve got some real good ones in the archives. But yesterday was the dance contest. The kid pictured was flailing around with his hands. In the shot before, he had 2 fingers up, in the shot after he was making little fists.

But if all you see is this photo, it just looks like a 4-year old straddling another 4-year old while giving the finger to a cheering crowd on onlookers. He was a surprisingly good dancer for a tiny little kid. He ended up winning the round and with it, a free haircut.

—

This month’s search awards are going anal. For whatever reason, dovate.com has pulled in a lot of the rectal probing audience this summer. Welcome.

There are also only 20 top terms this month. Why? The crop just wasn’t that good. Maybe I should do more to generate search traffic, like talking about the Miley Cyrus nude pics I have, or Brett Favre’s suicide, or news about the Beijing Olympic terrorist attacks. Anthrax. Obama popular. McCain old. Gay Republican. Democrat hooker scandal. Sex.

But anyway, here are the most interesting search terms that brought people to this site in July:

20. skater love icons
19. tricks whores/philly
18. crackwhores & truckstops
17. parts and function of rectal thermometer
16. stories large rectal probes
15. shadow planet killer
14. shadow demons
13. tavern wench
12. leg stockings face down
11. fever thermometer in womans asshole
10. boyus masturbating onto a tray in caligula
9. urinating on an ouija board
8. second life penis
7. probing the anus
6. attention students putting sporks knives forks and spoons in the school lawn is
5. inhabitations of birds
4. photos on how to clean your anus in european style of toilets
3. minimum frequency of mastrubating
2. strap on animal
1. would you still be a verjan if you had sex with a dog?

If around minute 3, you start asking yourself why in the hell you’re still watching this, push on. You’ve got to see it to the end: