[dovate.com] » 2008 » October
I’ve been busy on this Halloween week. It’s a shame, because I love Halloween. For now, please enjoy one of my Halloween themed self portraits:
If you told me a year ago that on October 27th 2008, the Phillies would be up 3 games to 1 in the World Series and that every indication was pointing to the election of President Barack “Hussein” Obama a week after that, I’d tell you that you were fucking crazy.
That’s why I can’t shake the horrible Philadelphian feeling that 2 epic collapses are just around the corner. The Phillies will choke 3 games in a row and some asshole will hack into voting machines in Florida, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Virginia, handing the election to the Geezer/Dingbat ticket. In other words, until the Phillies are up by 12 runs with 1 out to go in the 9th inning and until Chris Wallace at Fox News calls the election for Obama, I’m not even going to begin to believe in a goddamn thing. And now, back to work…
“Oh my God” was what I said to myself last Saturday as I sat waiting for the bus at 42nd and Chestnut. It was a beautiful fall afternoon and I noticed a couple of raptors soaring overhead. One was a standard hawk, but the other one was different. It was a lot bigger. A vulture? No. What is…
“Oh my God.”
Growing up, I was a bird nerd. It took a trip to Alaska before I saw a Bald Eagle. I know that their numbers have recovered dramatically over the past 2 decades, but I never expected to see one soaring over Kabobeesh in West Philly. Two hours earlier I’d taken the 300mm lens out of my camera bag, thinking that there was no way I’d use it during my walk. It’s not like I would have gotten an outstanding photo if I had it, but still.
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I don’t know why it came as such a surprise. I’d heard of a nesting pair of Eagles in South Philly and even seen a pair flying over I-95 and into Fishtown not long ago, but seeing the 42nd and Chestnut Eagle was still surprising.
and of course:
What I’m about to post is deeply disgusting and an offense to women everywhere. With that said, it’s about Sarah Palin. It’s also spotted here and there with some genuinely good satire. And finally, at risk of saying something as stupid as “she brought it on herself” she really did kind of bring it on herself. Did you see the debate? She was flirting with everyone in the United States. There are a lot of sick fucks out there.
But anyway, read to the end. It starts slow, but the satire reaches its climax later in the script. Drill, baby, drill!
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If you’re an avid reader of this site, you’ll already know that I was recently in Montreal. In warm weather, it’s one of my favorite cities on earth. Growing up in a city of about 1.5 million has given me a certain affinity for its scale. It’s just big enough to be anonymous, but not so big that you’re a stranger to anyone. I may not know you, but I bet I know a friend of yours, or worked with your cousin, or went to school with your best friend.
But anyway, I don’t know anyone in Montreal. Until my last trip, I didn’t even know how deep its Jewish community went. Not only is it old and well established, but it’s so unique that they’ve developed their own bagels and cured meat.
Bagels are smaller and lighter. I sampled the famous Fairmount Bagel and at Brad Maule’s advice, St. Viateur Bagel just a few blocks away. Seeing the bagel maker’s work is like watching the Lorenzos guys flip those giant pies… only better. Truly amazing stuff. I liked them both, but still prefer the New York style.
During a 15 mile jaunt around town, I also stopped to take a few photos into a dirty (but tasty) looking deli. I found out later, that the deli was Schwartz’s… which is sort of like the Pat’s Steaks of Montreal Delis. Most days, a line extends out into the street as eager locals and tourists wait to eat the pastrami-like conction known as Montreal Smoked Meat. Before leaving the city I had a sandwich, fries, cole slaw and black cherry soda. It was fucking delicious. Schwartz’s lives up to the hype. Like the bagels, the people and Canada itself, the deli sandwiches are smaller and more sensible than their American counterparts.
That’s about all I have to say about it, so here are the photos:
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The internet is an amazing tool. Other times, it isn’t.
Craigslist is great for listing and finding apartments. Youtube has changed the world by empowering the people to make and distribute videos for free. But when you combine these 2 world shaking innovations, all you get is the a serial killer’s eye view of an apartment that you’re now too terrified to rent. Watch these to see why video tours of apartments just don’t work. Enjoy:
I was lying on my back in the woods near my house in Northwest Philly. It was a late autumn night and when the wind blew the trees swayed with it. I was 16 and alone with myself in an altered state of mind. My mouth tasted like metal and my hands didn’t look quite right. I lit a cigarette and watched the bare branches of the trees. I breathed deeply and felt the nicotine spread through my mind like the branches of those trees. It was in there, intractable.
When I quit, the first two weeks were the worst. After that, the first 3 months were the worst. People said it would get better after that, but it didn’t. Fortunately, I’m stubborn. There’s no trick to quitting smoking. I understand why people can’t, but I don’t understand why people don’t understand why they can’t. If you refuse to smoke, then you’ll be successful.
The last time I had a cigarette was in May. It was after the death of a friend. I had 2 or 3 cigarettes that night. I said yesterday that cigarettes are like an ex. At first I thought I would never be able to see her again, but we can be friends now. It’s a shoulder to lean on or someone to call after a few too many drinks. But I’ll never let her get too close. She’s as crazy as she’s ever been and will work her way back into my life the first opportunity she gets.
When I first ended it, I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t listen to music. I had trouble watching movies. I didn’t go out or touch a drop of alcohol for months. Worst of all I couldn’t write. Sitting down with my notebook and not lighting a cigarette was the hardest part of the whole thing. The two actions were so thoroughly tied up with one another that I had to stop writing. Since writing is my second addiction, it became a big problem.
I said yesterday that the real insidiousness of the addiction is what it does to you internally. It had become part of my identity. How do you go on if you can’t do anything that you used to do? It’s like breaking up with yourself. All the music you like reminds you of it. All your routines remind you of it. All your favorite things remind you of the things you like to do with yourself. What the hell do you do?
It’s mostly better now, but it will never fade away completely. I don’t write much in my notebooks anymore. After a few months I discovered that I could write on my computer without too much trouble… so I started a website.
When I was 12 years old, one of my friends gave me some valuable and genuine advice: “Don’t believe what anyone says. Smoking really does make you cool.”
That was the day I tried my first cigarette.
If you’re a virgin to smoking, each drag makes your lungs tight. It hurts. You cough and get light headed. It feels like dizziness without the vertigo. It’s nothing special and it’s hard to see the appeal.
But if you give it a chance, smoking becomes the lover you can’t leave. You know she’s crazy and you know she’s no good for you. In the back of your mind you’re even a little worried that she’ll go nuts and kill you. But she’s also as loyal as a person can be. When you’re stressed out, she’s there. During important moments, she’s there. On warm summer nights or cold winter mornings your cigarette is right there with you. And as bad as the relationship gets, you know she’ll never leave you. She’ll never walk out. If you want her gone, you’ll have to do it yourself.
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By the time I was in high school, most of my friends had started smoking. Cigarettes were cheap. They were a way to bond and a way to make friends. Kids are painfully self conscious and search desperately for any spot of common ground. Standing outside on a cold day just to catch a morning cigarette before class is a powerful thing. If you didn’t smoke you were still welcome, but there was no reason for you to be there. Why would you stand outside on a cold day?
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My family history with cigarettes is pretty good. With one big exception, everyone has been able to quit. I decided that when the time came, I could give it up. I also wondered what addiction was all about. I wanted to know what it was to be addicted to something. There was the curiosity and there was the fact that all my friends smoked. I held out for a while, but fully committed by the time I was 16.
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October 7, 2004 was my ex-girlfriend’s birthday. She had just moved in with me and I had just closed the windows for the season. I felt bad sitting at my computer and filling the room with smoke. I had a cold that week and wasn’t smoking anyway. I decided to give quitting a try. I’d never tried before.
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Smoking does make you cool. It’s also deeply satisfying. People buy cars in some lame attempt to define themselves. Cars can’t do more than suggest to other people what you want them to think. Cigarettes project an image, but most important is what they do to you internally. Aside from straining your heart and filling your lungs with chemical laced tar, they work their way into your psyche. When you listen to music, you want a cigarette. When you have a beer, you need a cigarette. When you’re walking home alone through the city in the dead of night, you need a cigarette. If you see a middle aged man smoking in the park, that man has long ago given up caring about the image his smoking projects. He’s there alone with it. That’s the relationship that endures.
To be continued…
With all the vacationing that was happening at the beginning of September, I never posted the August Search Awards. So today’s is a double feature, August and September.
Each month, I check my site stats and pull out the strangest search terms that brought people to dovate.com during the previous month. The recent crop was pretty good and has some real contenders for the year end awards. Enjoy:
40. steamboat visitor center bathrooms blowjob
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3. photos on how to clean your anus in european style of toilets
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1. can valium be crushed then shot up the anus for bettter results
